There is so much that I want to say but it's so much that I can't remember all I know is all in the noggin, so let's see what I can remember and what I will write about today!
Well first of all let me just say this, I write to you girls about things you do and say, but usually all the goody stuff, the cute stuff the funny things, hardly ever the bad and even those I laugh at...I've gotten better, a lot better about not laughing in your face because I really want you girls to get what I'm saying and to know that I am serious.
I'm gonna be truthful and I know I'm not the only mom out there feeling this way.
Ever since we moved and we were back to being a family in our own space, I have been feeling like an inadequate mother, and I felt like I wasn't doing my job as a mom. You girls are tough let me tell you, and you both especially Seylah push my buttons....A LOT! At times...many times I have felt like I was going crazy, resulting in your daddy being tough with you girls, because I couldn't handle it. You girls just don't listening, and even now is tough but I feel I'm getting the groove of it again. Never the less feeling like I'm gonna lose it and just leave for a bit crosses my mind from time to time. Sometimes letting out my frustration results in tears running down my face, and on my knees or kitchen sink asking for God to give me strength and patience. And then you both do something that just melts my heart my anger away, and I believe that, that is God helping me through it. At times I don't come to the Father and your daddy comes home from work and needs to step in and I just want to run out of the house!But that is where I have been lately emotionally!
Regardless of what you girls do, it will never stop me from loving you both! Our (mothers) love is kinda like our Father in Heaven, is so immense is what the bible likes to call "agape love". Agape love is selfless, sacrificial, unconditional love, the highest of the four types of love in the Bible. Jesus lived an agape life, by sacrificing himself for our sins and the sins of this world. And I want to believe that the love that a mother has for their children comes close to that. Unfortunately not all mothers feel that way, but this mommy does for you girls!
Okay so what do you girls do so bad that it has me in tears sometimes?
Well lets name a few things, because knowing me I forget a lot of things. For you girls that can be a good thing! For me....not so much lol.
For starters I have to record this day because it was the first day in a loooooooooong time that going to sleep at night was not a surprise! Because is a battle mainly for Seylah than Emma to go to sleep when I tell you. Cleaning time, bath time, brush time, story time, pray time and then bed! So simple you should both get this by now because is our routine when we are home. But no it's a stinking battle and I have to scold Seylah most of the time and Emma just a little.
The battles are mainly with you Seylah! Is like you have a selective hearing when it comes to my voice, because I have to tell you over and over and over and over again things. And it just gets annoying and frustrating and thats when the belt comes. Mind you I don't hit you hard cuz you're still little but I've had to come to this, because you wont listen and even with the belt you don't listen after the 3 or 4th time.
I've tried reasoning with you....but your 2 it doesn't get that far lol. On the other hand I can reason with Emma and tell you why you should or shouldn't do things. And for the most part you say "ok mami".
You girls are so very different from each other, sometimes and is a challenge....well all the time! But a challenge I would not trade for nothing in this world. I'm learning little by little how to discipline and to teach you girls good manners. And to stay firm when I scold you for something and keep scolding you for the same thing. Believe me it's hard because sometimes I'm too tired or too busy, but I have to do it for your sake. The last thing I want is to raise girls who are ungrateful, destructive and spoiled.
After all our (mothers) ministry is our home and in that it means I gotta teach you girls how to become little women better than that, Godly women. With God's help and strength that is what I strive for and hope, that someday you will become Godly examples for your little girls.
And with this I leave you girls with a prayer I came across that says everything I really want to pray for, for you girls! I cannot take credit for it but you can check it out here.
Please envelop Emma and Seylah in your Love. Show me minute-by-minute how to be an example of that Love, so that they may see its Source and give it freely to everyone they meet.
Please let them see the ocean of Grace that they swim in. May it endlessly drip from me to them to everyone they meet.
Please give them a heart for those of this world, while helping them find identity, comfort, strength and peace in You.
May their view of themselves and others never be limited to what’s on the outside. Give them eyes to see souls.
Lord, let them see the problems of this world, but not be bogged down by them. Give them patience, wisdom and motivation to search for, and take part in, Your solutions.
May they not just say “please” and “thank you.” May they know they are entitled to nothing and therefore feel grateful for everything.
Please help Jay and me to be an example of Love and covenant that might inform them always.
Help them to learn from the past, to plan for the future, but mostly, to be porous to the moment.
Please maintain this spirit of curiosity that thrives in them today. May everything they discover with it reveal more of You to them.
May they create. May their creations always delight, glorify and honor You!
May they find joy in running, jumping and playing, but also know how to abide in stillness.
I pray for their friends. May they be many, but not so many as to inhibit depth, intimacy and connection. May they be instruments of Love and Grace to each other.
Help me and their other chauffeurs to model, teach and practice safe driving so that they might be the safest driver ever, and I might sleep at night when that time comes.
I pray for their future husband. May he know, with every fiber of his being, what Love and covenant are.
You know the sound of their deep, belly laugh, Lord? May they have reason to intoxicate those around them with the sound of it at least once every day!
Please be in our relationship. May we daily cherish the beauty and blessing that is mother-daughter relationship. (May that mean that they call me often when they don't live under my roof!)
Please give them enough tomorrows to allow for their hair to turn white as snow, their face to get as wrinkly as their feet get after a day of fun in the pool, and their iPad100′s memory to be maxed out with pictures of their kids, grandkids, great grandkids and even a few great, great grandkids.
In your Holy and Mighty name I pray
|This was before Christmas you opened your gift while I was in bed! But I couldn't get mad the smile on your face was priceless.|
|Instead of saying "abracadabra" you said "trick a potato" That was so cute I had to record it!|
|I text this picture to my cousin so he can come over before leaving to Chicago....unfortunately it didn't work!|
|On our way to Publix! You girls love to go to get free cookies.|
|Oh this day you girls got punished for not listening!|
|I took a picture first of you girls walking and then you looked back and said "cheese" I have you girls trained already :)|
|I looove this pic of you!|
|This day you woke up said "good morning mami with a smile and grabbed your scooter to watch tv"|
|Just stopping by to smell the flowers!|
|My little fashionistas!|
|Seylah this is one of the things you do when your mad!|
|I love when you girls are like this!|